I was fortunate enough to attend a Good Friday Liturgy today, as I often miss going due to my work schedule. As I sat there listening to the gospel and taking the time to really let the message of Christ’s suffering and death for all our sake sink in, I began to think about how readily I actually accept His gift. He died for my sake and took on my many sins so that I would have the hope of one day being with our Father in heaven. He suffered all the anguish and anxiety of knowing what was going to happen, and rather than shrink away from it, he pressed resolutely on. His concern was to give us all life, but even before he took on the suffering and death that was rightly ours, he took the time to share that final meal, and bring us the Eucharist, so that we would be ever strengthened by his body and blood. He knew what he was facing, and all he focused on was us.
I have to ask myself how I acknowledge that kind of love, and that precious gift? Do I live like someone who received something that special, and bought at such a heavy price? Do I take the time each day, and remember what was given to me, and perhaps pay forward that kind of undeserved love and hope to others around me? I certainly did not deserve to receive such a gift, so who am I to ever look at others and decide they are unworthy of my time or patience? I can’t keep living the way I have been. I can’t keep living my life like it is my own, and I somehow have a right to be that judgmental.
I look at my more personal conduct, and even that doesn’t reflect the gift that I have received. If I feel like something is out of my control, and it makes me anxious, I seek to simply assuage that by my own selfish methods. My first thought is rarely to invite God into my thoughts and to ask for his help. I don’t let him in to be truly part of my life like that. I would sooner go to google and try to find answers, and perhaps obsess over what I find, and do more searches until I can find something to assuage my own fears than allow God to take my hand and give me his consolation. I shut him out, when I need him most, and treat him like he is not part of my life. All the while reading the words in scripture and treating them as just words, rather than taking the time to really acknowledge the gift.
I’ve asked myself before how it is that I can do this, especially with the grace that I have been granted which allows me to serve as a deacon. I’ve asked myself how it is that I lose track and get so self-absorbed. It is not that I do not love God, I do, I just seem to lose sight of what is important at times and so fail to show it. It’s not so much different than when I take my wife or my daughters for granted at times. I love them, but I lose sight because at times I seem to love myself more and become blind to how that separates me from what is really important and worth loving. God is part of my family, he is who gave me the gift of family to begin with, and who saved all of us and gives us hope of being with Him one day. He binds us together, and comforts us, and helps us through when we hit a rough patch. He watches over us and rejoices when we spend time with Him. He asks only to be loved and be part of our family. He deserves my intimacy, my love, and my respect. He showed me, as he died on the cross, how much he loved me.
I haven’t given up that much for Lent this year, but perhaps it’s not too late to lay one more thing aside – myself. I was purchased at a price, and my resolution is to start to actually live that way. I pray that others have had similar thoughts. I am probably just catching up, and I hope to join the rest of you in this way of living.
The Deacons Bench 